All I have loved I loved alone
by TattooShadow
Summary: Sometimes the ones you think are incapable of love are the ones who love the fiercest. And sometimes the strongest are just barely holding it together. Short story. (HG/SS) Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**And all I loved, I loved alone**

Sitting on the ledge of an empty corridor window, I stare out at the cobblestone courtyards, the green pastures that surround it, the dark forest on the edge of the grounds and for once, I do not care if I am caught with my guard down for once. At this point, did it even really matter?

I've spent my entire life watching making sure no one knows the truth about me. Even as a child, innocent as I was then, I had loved. Yes, I did. I loved my mother even when she sat in silence while my father yelled and beat me in his all too frequent drunken moments. I even loved my father, because he was my father and I had hoped that one day I might make him proud, as little boys often wished. I didn't of course. I did my best to please him with the best grades I could good get even before my time at Hogwarts when I attended a muggle elementary school. I did my best to stay out of the way and when I was actually home, I helped clean and tried to keep things organized, hoping that perhaps it would help. It didn't. I tended to my mother when she needed it, bandaging her cuts and putting salves on her bruises. I brought her tea when she was distraught, but she never saw me. Her gaze went right through me. The same could be said for my father as he relentlessly slammed his fists into my face, but despite the torment I endured in that shamble of a house at the end of Spinners End, I loved them. They were my parents.

Then I met someone who would become my only friend during my young life. Lily Evans. Her long red hair and bright green eyes had always held my attention as a child and even as a teenager. She was beautiful; so different from myself. She was bright like a beacon whereas I was the exact opposite, with my dark hair and obsidian eyes, as black as the ink on the end of my quill. In the beginning, she was kind and she was forgiving. I wanted her. As I got older toward the end of my time at Hogwarts, I often wondered what it would have been like if she had allowed me to touch her, to kiss her, to have what James Potter had gotten. I caught them a couple of times, in the dark alcoves of the castle where they thought no one would find them. I loved her…and watching her…with him, my enemy…it was like someone had taken a cursed knife and pierced my heart. Every moan, every kiss, every 'I love you' she bestowed to him just drove the blade deeper and deeper, reminding me that even if I had never made the fatal mistake of calling her a Mudblood, she would still have _never_ been mine.

Leaving Hogwarts was a blessing…for a while. I joined the Dark Lord, hoping that I would finally be recognized for _something_. Anything at this point. Power was one thing and of course I craved it, but what I craved more…was acceptance. Recognition. I knew the moment I joined his ranks I had made a mistake, but trying desperately to please him, I did what he asked, and I foolishly set in motion Lily and James Potter's death. I have never forgiven myself for my blind stupidity. I loved her and because of me, I had lost her forever. Had she lived; I would have been content knowing that at least she was unharmed even though I couldn't have her; that Harry Potter would not have been orphaned by my desperate need for approval. I've tried so hard to pay penitence for those sins, but nothing I ever do will make her draw breath again and live out the life she deserved.

Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy had been generous to me in the beginning and appointed me as Godfather to their son. A son they could not have without the aid of potions in which I created and brewed for them. They knew my skills, but once they had gotten what they wanted, they returned to their high society and aristocratic lives; a life I was unfamiliar with and did not fit into. Coming from poverty with no connections, money, or power, they had taken what they needed and left me to my own devices. I had grown to love them in the beginning, enjoying the praise I had received, thinking that perhaps someone had finally noticed me for more than just my potion skills and talents with dark curses, but alas I found I was wrong again. As the Godfather to their son, I thought I at least had Draco who would surely accept me and look up to me for guidance, but over the years, I realized that would never happen. The boy was a spoiled brat and cared nothing for the things I had tried to teach him, but only for the things his parents doted on him with. Power, fame, fortune…sadly, I was once like that when I was so young. Still, I loved him. I never had any children and never expected to, so he was as close as I ever got. I loved him even when I knew I was risking my life for an ungrateful brat; one I had taken an Unbreakable Vow for.

As I look out at the grounds, hearing the students cheering and chattering down in the distant courtyards, I remember when I had first come back to Hogwarts, standing before Albus Dumbledore on the hill, pleading and begging for him to spare my life. When he forgave me and gave me a place there at the castle again…a job…a home…I couldn't help but love the old man. In a way, over the years he had become a surrogate father to me. I did _everything_ he asked me to do, even when my life was at stake. I wanted to prove to him that I could succeed in the tasks he gave me, that I could redeem myself for the things I have done, but he didn't make it easy. No, he did not. I began to realize that as Albus sent me out on these missions that often left me under the Cruciatus curse from the Dark Lord or beneath the curses or cursed blades of my Death Eater comrades, he treated Harry Potter as more of a son than I could ever hope to be. My life was expendable and I was good for my skills as a Potions master and x-Death Eater spy for the Order, but nothing more. I grew to despise that boy for being everything that I wasn't. Albus then requested for me to end his life to save the soul of my Godson, forsaking mine, and that solidified what I meant to him. It was all for the greater good, but the greater good was not extended to me. I loved him still.

Just as I love Minerva McGonagall, Filius Flitwick, Pomona Sprout…all whom I thought I could lean on and confide in, but since Albus's death, despite the evidence of my position and his requests, my exoneration did not give me friends. It did not leave me with peace. No one trusted me and no one wanted me around. Their suspicious glares and hushed whispers when I'm near echo loudly in my ears, reminding me that I am only here at Hogwarts because they need a Potion Master since Horace had refused to return. It did not change my feelings toward them. I suppose I could understand their judgement. I just wished someone in this whole godforsaken world would notice me and not look right through me as everyone else does.

Today is graduation for the students that had returned after the Dark Lord fell. I didn't think I would see the day; truthfully, I almost didn't. I should have suspected that the Dark Lord would use that infernal snake to end my life, but I hadn't. When Nagini struck me over and over again, I thought about all the people I had tried to prove myself too. All of the people that I had tried to show love without ever being able to form it into words. I had given everything I had in me to people who had taken me for granted. It was irony that had me dying on the floor, bleeding to death as venom ran rampant through my system, only to be found by the boy I swore to protect yet despised.

I was ashamed to be in such a vulnerable position, but not because it was Potter. I didn't care what he thought. No…it was his friends that were with him. More specifically, I was ashamed to be seen like this in front of _her_. Hermione Jean Granger. The newest tormentor of my already worn and beaten heart.

Over the years of being used and cast aside, I had built up my defenses and put an impenetrable wall between myself and those around me. I did not outwardly show emotions or betray my thoughts. I did not seek the company of others. I felt it best that I did not try to offer assistance unless it was specifically asked for. I kept my word to Albus and did what was required of me, but I never wanted to be in a position where I allowed myself to care for anyone again. It wasn't as if they were going to return the sentiment. But that woman…

When I initially met her, I could tell that she was going to be a thorn in my side. Always with her hand held high, nose in a book, and unnecessary questions… I was cruel to her to be quite honest. I still feel guilt over allowing Draco to hex her teeth and then telling her I saw no difference concerning their original size compared to what the hex did. When her eyes had filled with tears and she ran off, I had honestly never felt guiltier. I watched her grow over the years and I became concerned about this infatuation I had started to develop during her six year. I thought I was going mad for even finding the girl attractive and thought myself to be a lecher until Albus let slip that she had been using a time-turner for some time and even then had misused it, aging her more than she was supposed to. I felt mildly at ease knowing that when she walked out onto the dance floor with Viktor Krum in her fourth year that she was actually not fourteen, but nearly sixteen. I had nearly considered resignation when I first realized that I found her attractive in her third year thinking that I had lost my damn mind. During her fifth year, I felt that unmistakable chip in my armor as I looked at her, lying in the hospital bed after Dolohov's curse. I was actually quite concerned that she wouldn't make it and I spent much of my time nearby, waiting to make sure she woke up.

Although, I suppose it might not look good to many anyway considering I'm about twenty years her senior. She had been outright beautiful at the Yule Ball and it was obvious that she had gone through great lengths to prepare herself. However, it was six year, before the start of term when several of us Order members were required to stay at 12 Grimmauld place, that I really allowed myself to do more than take a passing glance at her. She was sitting on one of the old armchairs, a book in her lap, staring into the fireplace, watching the flames dance around beneath the hearth. I hadn't meant to stare at her, but I found I couldn't move. The glisten of tears fresh upon her cheeks caught my attention and I wondered what could have her in such a state. It was when she turned her gaze and met mine, that I of course, fled.

I realized then that Hermione Granger was a beautiful young woman that far surpassed the beauty standards of everyone else around her. When I finally allowed myself to think of her, I realized that she was a kind soul, gentle, giving, loving…and yet she was also a force to be reckoned with. She was strong, resilient, brave as well as fiercely intelligent and quite brilliant. I remember when I first realized that I was more attracted to her than I ever had been with Lily, I nearly had a mental breakdown, hiding from everyone for quite some time. I made sure I was cold to her as to keep her distanced from me, but I watched her and damn it all, I wanted her. I still want her. More than I have ever wanted anything.

However, once again Saint Potter was there with his little red-headed sidekick. I can't compete with that. She's young and beautiful and I'm nothing more than her broken, bitter Professor. Every time my eyes catch hers, I feel as though my breath has been stolen from me and my heart would beat itself through my ribcage. She had no idea what she does to me. I certainly wasn't going to tell her. No. I couldn't do that. I had been a far better man to others and they had cast me outside to battle the storm alone and I had been a self-righteous bastard to her. How ironic that one of the people I meet in life that I am the cruelest to is the same person I fall irrevocably in love with.

She never commented on the times she caught me staring and I never said anything to her that couldn't be said in a classroom in front of her peers. No. No one could know that she had become my weakness. So, that night when she had appeared as I was dying on that filthy floor, I felt shame at having her see me like that. I was glad when Potter took the memories I offered and left. I am glad I passed out, although honestly I thought I was dead, but I had caught a glimpse of her beautiful caramel colored eyes, her lovely soft face with dirt, scrapes, and blood smudging it here and there, and that notoriously wild mane of hair that she had pulled back into a loose ponytail. Merlin, was she beautiful. I was glad to have that image in my immediate sight just before everything went black.

But now I'm sitting here on this old window ledge, my throat scarred, my body suffering through tremors most days, some days worse than others, and my cane leaning against the wall waiting for me to lean on it when I become too tired to carry my own weight. Something that seems to be happening a lot lately. Nagini's venom was always very potent and although I'm sure I can figure out a potion to, if nothing else, ease my ailments, I just don't have the drive to do it. I would have welcomed death had the fates not been so cruel and kept me alive.

I dreamt of her in my sleep induced coma, although at the time I thought I was dead. But in that dream she kept telling me that she loved me and she needed me and I have never felt more at peace…and then I woke up. I realized I was in the Hospital wing. I was completely consumed by despair. I was so angry I stopped allowing even Poppy to come near me. I wanted to die that night. Why couldn't this unjust life of mine just fucking end? I didn't deserve to be alive nor did I want to be. Now…now I had to face all I had done. I had to face the ridicule again. I had to listen to the students talk behind my back with the other members of the staff not behaving much better. I had to see _her_!

I watched her hang out with her friends, continue her studies for this past year, and blossom into this respectable, beautiful woman. She was much more reserved than she had been before the war, but there was wisdom in her eyes there. She had seen too much in her time. I know how that feels.

Today they graduated. I didn't go to the ceremony. The students don't want to shake the hand of their x-Death Eater Potions Master who made their lives miserable anyway. _She _is graduating. I didn't want to watch it happen. I didn't want to see her receive her diploma and walk from these doors, disappearing from my life like everyone else had. I wanted to make the decision not to see her again. But in the end, I foolishly wandered the corridor and eventually made my way towards the Great Hall where the graduation was taking place. Staying in the shadows, just outside of the doors, I watched, and I didn't have to wait long…there she was. The Headmistress had called her name and I watched proudly as the brightest witch of her age stood and walked to the front of the hall.

My chest ached and I won't lie, I could feel the sting in the back of my eyes. Hermione was dressed in a simple black dress, her shoes matching but sparking. Her hair was down in soft curls, framing her face, only half pulled into a clip in the shape of a Raven. If only she knew the irony. I couldn't help but smile a bit. She looked happy, shaking the hands of all the Professors, but once she got to the end and turned, I ran.

Now I'm sitting here alone, wallowing if you will because I don't have it in me to approach her. I have given myself to so many of the wrong people that I simply don't have the strength to deal with another heartache. She has no idea how I feel and it's best that it stays that way. Looking down, I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. There she is. Walking behind her idiot friends. I can't stop the tear that's rolling down my cheek. The woman who stole my heart is leaving and I didn't even have the courage to shake her hand and congratulate her on, not only receiving her diploma, but receiving the highest marks of any student that had ever attended Hogwarts. She was brilliant and I never told her. Now…Hermione will move on with her life and I already feel the emptiness within me. All I can do is whisper to myself.

"All I have loved…I loved alone…"


	2. Chapter 2

**All that I loved, I loved alone **

Listening to my friends chattering in front of me as we walk out towards the courtyard before we head to the train, I find myself reflecting on my life. I mean, how can I not? I've just graduated Hogwarts…something I didn't think I would be able to do not so long ago. In fact, there was a part of me that almost didn't want to come back. So much had happened here at the castle. So many had died.

Growing up, I always imagined that I would end up as a teacher or maybe a nurse, someone who helped others. The elementary school I went to was dreadful though, full of mean kids, but the teachers loved me. I was always out to prove everyone wrong. So many kids teased me while growing up, always making fun of my teeth and my hair. I couldn't help any of those things, so I just secluded myself from people and immersed myself into books. Books were my closest friends.

Then, the craziest thing happened to me. I got a letter from a school that said I was a witch and invited to attend. I didn't believe it at first, of course. I mean, magic? I believed it to be a prank from one of the neighborhood kids. In fact, I was sure that if I opened it, perhaps a spider or roach would crawl out onto my hand which definitely would have sent me screaming through the house and anyone watching would have had a good laugh. But then I was called into the kitchen and that's where I met her for the first time. Professor Minerva McGonagall, which of course is Headmistress now. And for the first time in my life, I experienced magic. Real magic. She demonstrated to my parents and I what she could do in order to prove a point because obviously anyone in the muggle world would be skeptical.

I was terribly excited! It of course, explained why strange things happened around me from time to time. But I realize now that everything comes with a price. I was a happy kid with wonderful parents…before I found out I was a witch. When my parents learned all these new things about me, they weren't as thrilled as I was. I heard mum crying to my father that I would never be the same little girl. That I was even more an outcast. It was the first time I heard my mother say that I was a freak of nature. I spent the rest of the night crying my eyes out in my room. They came around eventually…sort of. Things weren't the same and I was worried that I wouldn't fit in.

When I finally got to Hogwarts, it took my breath away. It was magnificent. To this day it is still magnificent, but there are scars across her now, deep scars, and for me it isn't quite the same. Of course, even at a magical school, I still had a hard time making friends. Everyone found me obnoxious. I mean, I guess I sort of was, but I wanted to prove that I belonged. I had read my text, Hogwarts: A History, before I even got to the school. I realized that there were prejudices and I figured if I proved myself and showed them just how smart I was, I would fit in in no time at all. Well, that isn't what happened. At all.

Ron and Harry, friends now, were not always my friends. While Harry never really said anything mean to me, Ron could be downright nasty. I tried to help in class in the beginning and he used to get so mad when he couldn't do something and then somehow turned it around on me. Other kids bullied me of course. Making fun of me for being so studious and then the teasing about my hair and teeth came back. Calling me a Mudblood because I was born to non-magical parents. It was horrible. I cried, often, when I was alone. I didn't want them to see that they had gotten to me. That it was all getting to me. Now, I missed my parents and almost wished I could go back and pretend I was never a witch.

I suppose the troll coming into the girl's lavatory and nearly killing me was not entirely a bad thing. I mean, I did finally make friends with Harry and Ron that night, but I didn't realize then that it was a trade if you will, for me lying to Professor McGonagall for them. Funny enough, I could tell that Professor Snape didn't believe me that night. Then again, knowing what I know now about him that doesn't surprise me in the least.

After that I often found myself in trouble because those boys could get into loads of trouble without even trying. Sadly, there were times that Harry was just asking for it. I wouldn't be a true friend if I hadn't stuck by them through it, but I also realize, although I never told them, that if I hadn't been there most of the situations we found ourselves in, things would have been a lot worse. Either that or we would all be dead. Sometimes those two were really thick. I love them though. I love my friends even though I realize now that I might be a tad expendable. As students, they always needed my help. Ron especially. They would ask for help with their homework constantly or have me look up information for them and I was happy to it because I knew that I was doing it for my friends and I thought that we had a real friendship between us; for awhile we did I think.

It did wear on me though. Third year was one of the worst. They were always wanting help and I had so much of my own work to do. As crazy as it sounds, I took loads of classes. Everything that I could get my hands on really; well I did leave Divination behind. That class was a waste of my time quite frankly. However, I did what I was told not to do. I misused it. I wanted to be the best I could be, so I didn't just use it for classes like I was supposed to. I used it to do homework too. There were several nights I was lucky if I got two hours of sleep. No one noticed of course. I took so many Pepperup potions that I developed an immunity by fourth year. I never told anyone that I brewed them myself, using the time-turner, so I was always in a place where I could be alone with it while it brewed. It was a miracle I survived that year. Then again with everything that happened, I suspect the time-turner was the least of my worries. I'm older now as a side effect by about two years which is another secret I decided to keep from everyone. I usually opened myself up to them quite a bit, but I had also been taking my own mental notes and after some of the things I discovered, I really quite like being able to keep my secrets as my own.

Fourth year was interesting. I had my first crush on a boy, Viktor Krum. It was quite silly, really. I was ecstatic when he asked me to the Yule Ball and I made sure to look as pretty as I could because I know everyone thought of me as the know-it-all bookworm. _Know-it-all_. A nickname Professor Snape gave me. I can't help but smile a little at that. It was no surprise that my night had been ruined by Ron and his big mouth. Honestly, why the hell did he care who I had danced with? I was so upset that I was wandering around the school grounds in the cold, not wanting to return to the common room. I had hid behind a pillar when I saw Professor Snape out on the prowl looking for students to deduct points from and give detentions too. I should have made my way to the nearest exit, but I did not.

My heart hadn't raced so fast in quite some time as I peaked around the pillar, feeling a thrill from doing something that was in a way wrong. I was spying on my teacher and not just any teacher; the meanest one in the entire school. He wasn't wearing his usual billowing cloak. Instead he just had on his usual teaching robes. He had been like this at the dance. I noticed him immediately when I had walked in. I mean, how could you not? Everyone wore these beautiful colored dresses and suits and he is in stark black. But black suits him. I remember how I flushed under his gaze as he stared right at me when Viktor and I entered. It was one of the first times there wasn't a scowl on his face. Spying on him was logical in my mind. He was one of the most mysterious people I had ever met. Cruel and cold outwardly, yes, but there was a presence about him that was quite captivating. So, I watched him.

He was graceful like cat and without his cloak it was easier to see his build. I was never a prude, but I wasn't the most innocent either. I shouldn't have admired the body of a teacher, but I couldn't help myself. He was lean, but not sickly thin. From what I could tell, he had a decently fit body. He wasn't bulky like Viktor, but his lean frame suited him. I could hear him deducting points from some Hufflepuff students he had just found in one of the carriages and a part of me was left breathless. Despite his usually caustic way of speaking to people, he really did have a lovely voice. Once, he was out of sight I made a b-line for the common room. Professor Snape may be fascinating to me, but he always dealt the worst detentions.

I remember being at Grimmauld place and catching his eye on occasion. Most times, he turned away or just plain left the room, but there were a few times that he kept eye contact. It always took my breath away. It was funny because I always got the feeling that he wanted to say something, but he never did. I always wondered what went through that brilliant mind of his. Yes, it was simply brilliant. They way he spoke of potions and their ingredients was captivating. Too bad, I was the only student that ever really paid attention. Otherwise, someone else might have noticed the well-practiced, fluid movements of the stirring rod when he was demonstrating a potion to us. He was a wealth of knowledge. I used to wonder what he did when he wasn't working but when he was at Grimmauld place a few times with us, I always found him reading. Finally! Someone else who actually enjoyed books.

Ron simply hated them. Camping with them for nearly a year had been enough for me. I would stay inside the tent to read or try and find some kind of clue that would lead them to those damn horcruxes and they would be outside taking about boy stuff, but on occasion I heard them talk about me. Harry never said anything truly hurtful outright, but Ron always complained that I was always stuck in a book and would likely not ever find a man. He had then made some grand gesture about how he might have to come save me and would then say crude things about what I would need to do for him in return. I was so angry. These are my friends and they talked like that behind my back.

It was bad enough that Ron had embarrassed me all year with his little tryst with Lavender. I had been stupid enough to develop a little crush on him. Why? Heaven only knows because honestly, sometimes I find myself surprised that he even knows the difference between a Unicorn and Thestral. He is that daft most times. It was times like those that I began to fully understand that I didn't really have their friendship the way I had wanted. Sure, they were friends, but they weren't _great_ friends.

I remember that horrible night when we had found Professor Snape lying on the floor, bleeding to death. Ron had commented that he deserved it. I was instantly enraged. When I found out the sword of Gryffindor had been switched with a fake by him, I knew then he was still on our side. I began to look at everything logically and I could see that Dumbledore was sick and what Professor Snape did for him was likely at his request. I could never tell the boys that; they wouldn't believe me anyway. But when I looked at him, lying there on the floor…I felt my heart shatter. He didn't deserve this. I didn't want him to die! I _needed_ him to live!

No doubt that what I had been doing the past few years where Professor Snape was concerned was probably not healthy, but I did it anyway and in hindsight I'm glad I did. I studied him when he thought no one was looking. I watched his expressions and there were times that I had even gone as far as to eavesdrop on his conversations with other Professors. Over time I began to see him as he really was. A broken man. Harry had told me some of the things he had overheard from time to time and I came to the conclusion that Dumbledore had been using our Potions Master for some time. I saw how Professor Snape would return from Death Eater meetings when we stayed at Grimmauld place. There were times I saw the man bleeding while giving his report and then Dumbledore would nod his head and leave. Just leave! While Professor Snape was injured and bleeding, he would go back to whatever he was doing and I often wanted to run out and help the Professor because he always looked so alone. But I wasn't supposed to know. I regret not disobeying and just going to him anyway.

Everyone would likely think I'm mad for thinking this way, but they hadn't seen the things I'd seen, and no one really bothered to look past that cold facade and see the man underneath it all. He was brave for doing the things he did, he was loyal, and fierce and absolutely brilliant at everything he did. I found him captivating in a whole new sense. He was cold and had a silver tongue that could slice through my defenses with merely a few words, but I _knew_ he was a good man. Deep down, he was a good man. I figured in the beginning it was a simple curiosity and after a time I realized I fancied him and thought perhaps it would pass. It didn't. Not in the least. Severus Snape haunted my dreams and plagued my thoughts. I never told a soul. Another little secret that I took great pleasure in keeping. Severus…I love his name. I guess it would be safer to think of him as Severus rather than Professor Snape because I don't have to worry about accidently blurting it out in class anymore.

This last year, coming back to Hogwarts I began to see a great many things around me. My friends didn't really hang out with me much. Ginny had always been a bit jealous and was constantly paranoid about someone trying to steal Harry from her. As if I would! Even though she wasn't aware of my feelings towards Severus, she should have known that Harry wasn't my type. Then again, I guess I did have a crush on Ron…gods, I'm so glad they're walking ahead of me and not paying attention otherwise they'd see the face I'm making. I kept pretty quiet this year, listening to everything around me. Now I see why Severus did that. It made me much more aware of what was really going on. I was almost like an outcast again. Harry, being the _savior_ of the Wizarding world was showered with gifts and attention and Ron made sure to preen right next him, taking in the glory. But it was almost as if many of these people had forgotten that I was there. In fact, they would never have survived if it hadn't been for me.

The same could be said about Severus. I had left with the boys, but not a minute later I told them I had to go back. They were mad of course and told me to forget him because he was a traitor, but I knew otherwise, and Harry had memories of his to go view for a reason and you would think that it was clue enough for them but no. Not at the time. I left them anyway and told them I would catch up. I had run as fast as I could back inside. I had to see him. I had to touch him. I needed to see if he could be saved.

I knew I was crying when I burst back into the room. I must have looked a right mess, but I didn't care. I was desperately trying to check him to see if I could save him. His skin was cold and he didn't move, but I when I found it, I felt like my stomach had flipped and my heart had exploded. He was alive! Barely, but there was a pulse. I don't know if I had ever worked so quickly in my life at anything as I did that night. I dug out anything and everything I had in my bag that could help me. The first thing I gave him was a Bezoar. I used the Essence of Dittany on the wound, I had a small stockade of Pepperup potions still, so I gave him a couple of those and luckily, I had blood replenishers in there too. I remember how badly my hands were shaking…it was a miracle I got the potions to his lips to begin with. When it was all said and done, I don't know how long I sat there crying, cradling his head in my arms. He always seemed to abhor any kind of personal contact and here I was holding onto him as if my own life depended on it. Honestly, I think it did.

I had to be careful when I brought him to the castle and I had to argue with Madam Pomfrey that he was on our side still. Although I could sense the reluctance, Headmistress McGonagall ordered her to keep him alive. After the battle, I spent what time I could with him. I told him I needed him…I told him I loved him…he was unconscious anyway so I saw no harm in it, except in my own heart, because I'm sure that if he knew about my feelings, he would either laugh or angrily tell me I was nothing more than an idiot girl looking for approval. Besides, no one else seemed to want me...why should he? I won't deny that I often found myself crying alone about the things I wish I could have had. I cry for him too. He was used by everyone around him and unappreciated for the things he had done.

In fact, once he was cleared by the Wizengamot after Harry showed them the memories, he was still shunned. I was so upset to find that my Professors who I love and respected were even culprits of verbal attacks and whispered hateful words. I guess it was Dumbledore's portrait that talked the Headmistress into bringing Severus back because he had no where else to go. Not everyone was so forgiving and his home in Cokeworth had been destroyed. The students were still mean and every time I heard them poke fun at him because he now had to use a cane to walk when he became too exhausted and he had tremors quite often. There was once, while he was going down the corridor that he had a full-blown seizure. Luckily, no one was around but me so I was able to get him somewhere private until it passed. I never told him that I had visited him or saved his life and I certainly hadn't told him that I was madly in love with him. There were a few times I even hexed some of the students that were talking about him, hiding where they couldn't see me.

He wasn't recognized for his efforts during the war. He wasn't recognized for his bravery. He wasn't given recognition for anything he had done over the years, but I knew he deserved better. Of all of us, he deserved far better. Severus was outcasted and I feel as though I can relate to that. He was used by people and while it may have been more so than I ever experienced, I still feel as though I understand him and what he's gone through. It was another reason why I wished that I could just take him with me. No one knows that I have decided to leave the country for a while or maybe for good. I don't know yet, really. I was accepted into a small University in Canada that focuses primarily on healing potions and spellwork. I plan to continue my studies there and I already purchased a home, secluded from the public eye, surrounded by wilderness. It's really quite perfect actually. I'd gone there a few times over break this past year. Funny enough, I have a nice little Potions lab set up for some of my side projects, but I pretend that Severus comes with me and we are there together. It's a thought that makes my heart ache a bit.

After Obliviating my parents and sending them off to Australia to have a childfree life, I feel awfully alone. They are much happier now I'm sure, not having a witch for a daughter and all. My friends are focused on the fame and fortune they now have and the perks that come with it. Ron and Harry make it into Auror training. They should be thanking me because I'm the one that got them through school. This last year, I refused to help them with their studies and they proved what I had been denying to myself for some time; that I was worth more to them as the friend that did all their work.

Standing now, out here in the courtyard, I look around at everyone. They were all mingling with each other, and I was standing alone on one side of the courtyard. Honestly, I feel like Severus right now. Alone, ignored, outcasted. It's alright though. I still love my friends and it will likely make my transition to Canada much easier in the end. I needed to grow up and find my own way without trailing on their coattails.

I wished that I could have shook Severus's hand when I graduated. I looked around for him everywhere, but he did not come...not publicly at least. I can't help but smile a little though. When I turned around, I saw the tail end of his cloak at the entrance to the Great Hall as he was leaving. Of course, it is a sad reminder of why he didn't come. No one wanted him there. But I did.

I still think I'm barking mad for what I did last night. Holding it in my hand…this letter I had written to him. I was going to give it to him at Graduation, or at least in my head I was. I don't know if I honestly would have had the courage. I poured my heart into it. I told him the truth. I told him that I had been watching him for some time. I told him I just had to save him that night because I loved him and everything he stood for. I confessed that I had recognized what he had done for everyone around him and that no one appreciated it, but I did. Then…I asked.

_ If only I did not love alone, I would ask you to come with me to Canada. To share my place with me, to be with someone who genuinely loves you and wants your company everyday for the rest of my life. I don't believe you are happy here and I long to take you somewhere that would bring you peace and happiness and keep you forever close to me. You deserve it more than all of us, even if no one recognizes that. I'm ready to leave this place, this country and have a life of my own, away from the prying eyes of the world, away from the people who want me around only when they need me for something, away from all of this death and destruction…but I wish you would come with me…I wish I could tell you in person how much I love you and need you in my life. If I asked you to come with me…what would you say I wonder. Would you laugh at me for being a ridiculous girl with silly notions…or would you give a chance to show you what it's like to be genuinely loved? Would you come with me?_

I am definitely mad. Barking mad. I cannot believe I confessed it all to him in this letter and I asked him to come with me. I guess it's all well and good since I'm still holding the letter in my hands. Looking around again, I can't help but feel like someone is watching me. I scan the crowd and see everyone is preoccupied but I can't shake the feeling. Looking back at the castle, I don't know what possessed me to look up, but…oh my god…he's there! Sitting on a window ledge. He's staring right at me! It's hard to tell from this distance, but he looks almost…sad. What is he thinking? What is he doing? I want to just run back inside and go to him and kiss him…but I'm afraid… What could he see in me anyway? I don't know, but standing here now, staring back up at him, I find myself asking, am I a true Gryffindor? Brave? Of all the things I've done and been faced with, would it really kill me to send this letter up to him? It might actually.

But I am a Gryffindor and I know that if I don't send him this letter, I am going to replay the would haves and should haves for the rest of my damn life and I can't have that. If nothing else, he will at least know he is loved. I can give him that much at the very least. I can see him looking at me curiously as I wave my wand and send this letter to where he is sitting. He looks confused…why wouldn't he be? I feel as though my heart is about give out, it's beating so fast. The butterflies in my stomach are actually starting to make me sick. They aren't as pleasant as people make them out to be if I really think about it. I don't think I've taken a breath in a while.

I see him opening it…reading it…I think I just bit my lip to hard. It hurts a bit. I'm so nervous about how he is going to react to this. Wait…what is he doing? He finished it and left. Where did he go? I think I might be sick…oh my god…I feel so stupid. I just sent Professor Snape a letter confessing my love for him and he read it and then left. I bet he hates me now. He probably finds it embarrassing that I of all people hold affection for him. I don't want to cry in front of anyone, but I feel my eyes burning. I should just go… I don't want to be here anymore…I've made a fool of myself. I should've known better!

_All that I loved, I loved alone…_


	3. Chapter 3

**All that I loved, I loved alone**

Hermione Granger had turned away from the window that Severus Snape had just been sitting at. Tears burned her eyes, fairly certain that his running off meant that he was rejecting her.

_I should have known. I should have bloody known. I just need to get out of here. There isn't much of anything left for me here anymore._

She began to make her way through the crowd, wanting to get to the Hogwarts gates so she could use her portkey to get to her new home and start her new life. She just wished it wasn't a life she was starting alone.

_I wish these people would get out of my way! _

Hermione had been stopped a few times by some of the other students to be offered congratulations for achieving the highest marks at Hogwarts, ever, but she didn't really want to small chat. All she had wanted was Severus.

_At least he knows someone loves him. I just need to keep telling myself I did the right thing by telling him. Now I can say that I didn't hold anything back. _

Severus Snape had been shocked by what he read in that letter. She had apparently fancied him for nearly as long as he fancied her. She confessed to loving him, to saving him, and to his complete and utter disbelief, she asked him to come with her…far far far from Hogwarts. He did what any sane man would have done. He ran. He ran from the window and down the corridor as best as he could, trying to desperately get outside to her.

_Sweet Merlin! Curse you Voldemort for thinking that fucking wand answered to me and curse your goddamn snake and her venom for making it hard for me to simply get out to the damn courtyard in a timely fashion! Fuck! This hurts!_

Out of breath and feeling his knees going weak, he began to lean on the walls for extra support. He ignored the students who stared at him curiously as well as the staff who frowned and watched him.

_Don't worry I wouldn't sink as so low to ask any one of you for help. I just want to be away from all your prying eyes_ _and ungrateful remarks. _

"Severus!" It was Minerva. "What the devil are you doing?"

_That tone you use is clearly for someone you are trying to discipline old woman and I will not have it. I am just as tired of you as I am this place. I don't need to give you an answer._

And he didn't. He continued his trek through the corridor, blood pounding in his ears, sweat beading his forehead. His limp was worse than ever and the pain he felt was incredible, but he wasn't about to stop now. He had to give this a chance. There was no way he would forgive himself if he didn't go to her now.

_Almost there! Almost there!_

Fear gripped him when he saw her weaving through the students, looking upset. Gritting his teeth, he pushed forward, his eyes watering slightly from the pain.

_She thinks I rejected her…_

His body shook from the effort he was making, and he found himself leaning so heavily on the cane it was a wonder it didn't break from his weight. He heard Minerva calling after him, but he ignored her. He heard several students snickering at how he couldn't prowl the halls like he used to anymore, he ignored them too. Getting to Hermione was all that mattered. Coming to the entrance to the courtyard, he saw her on the other side, walking away.

_Please hear me…please…_

"HERMIONE!"

_Fuck! That hurt my throat…_

Hermione whirled around, her eyes wide. Everyone in the courtyard seemed to have quieted down, looking at the man dressed in black, leaning heavily against the wall, panting. Whispers and murmurs began to run rampant, given that he called a student by their given name.

_He said my name! Does that mean…? Does he want me? I have to go to him._

The students parted as Hermione turned back and with determination walked back through the courtyard towards Professor Snape. The expressions on some of their faces were almost comical. Hermione did not take her eyes off the object of her desire. She completely missed the looks on Harry and Ron's face as she walked across the stone, her small heeled shoes, clicking against the stone until she was right in front of him.

_He's in pain. He ran to get here…_

Hermione heart pounded in her chest as she stood before him, their eyes locked. There was no angry in his eyes, no hatred… They were completely open to her and vulnerable. It almost broke her heart.

"Professor Snape."

"I prefer Severus." His voice is raspy. He exerted himself quite a bit. Hermione smiled at him.

"Severus…I've wanted to call you that for so long." It's a whisper that he alone was meant to hear.

"I think I have wanted to call you Hermione for just as long," he admitted.

_Oh my god! Does that mean…does he want me? Please say you want me!_

"Why didn't you?" she asked.

"For the same reason you likely didn't call me Severus. Fear of rejection," he rasped, his ragged breaths calming slightly. Hermione took a step closer to him and reached up, touching his cheek and brushing his hair from his face. A tender gesture not usually given to men like him.

"You know my offer is sincere," she said, her eyes glazed and open. They could hear the wild whispers around them the moment she touched his face, but it didn't matter. They could hear the Headmistress demanding to know what the meaning of all of this was, but both of them ignored her.

"You're sure?" He was uncertain, but she could see the desperate hope in his eyes.

"Severus, I don't think you belong here anymore. I see what they do, I hear what they say…you don't deserve it… Come with me and let someone care for you for a change," she whispered, her thumb brushing away the tear that had run down his cheek. His hands shook slightly from the tremors, but he reached out and gently grabbed her other hand.

"Hermione…I'd go anywhere with you." His confession left her breathless. "I love you." The smile that crossed spread across her face was one that he would ingrain in his memory for the rest of his life.

_Gods she is absolutely beautiful!_

"Today, right now. Come with me," she said breathless, her face inches from him. "We can send for your things later. Leave this place."

"Yes." It was a whisper spoken against her lips, just before he pressed his to hers. Everything around them became a blur.

_Oh my, he's kissing me! I've wanted to kiss him for so long…so good…so perfect…_

"Let's go _home_," she whispered against his mouth and he felt a lightness he had never felt before; a weight lifting from him and her voice replaying over and over again. _Home_. Their home. He didn't even care what it looked like as long as she was there with him. She was his home.

_Anything for you, Hermione…_

Her fingers laced through his and Severus used what strength he had left to walk as normally next to her as he could, ignoring the aches and pains of his body's protesting. People around them were looking confused, surprised, some even horrified. Hermione could hear the angry shouts from Ron, but she didn't even look in their direction. They had their lives, now she was going to make something of hers.

Their hands tightly intertwined, together they walked to the castle gates where she could activate her portkey. Whispering the activation spell, she then slipped her arms around his waist, her face tilted up to meet his gaze. Neither one of them looked back at the students, staff, or the castle. There was no need to. It didn't matter that people didn't approve of them. What mattered is that they loved each other.

**Severus's POV**

_ Sitting here on the deck of our home in Canada, staring out at the trees…the sparkling lake behind our house…the mountain ranges in the distance…it's mesmerizing. It is exactly the kind of place that heals broken souls. I have never felt more at peace. I can't help the wishful smile that has undoubtably crossed my face, as I remember coming to this place fifteen years ago, not thinking twice when Hermione had asked me to. It was the best decision I had ever made. _

_ She graduated from her University with honors, especially after introducing a potion of her and I's collaboration, that cured the majority of aftereffects due the Cruciatus curse. She then ventured into creating our joint business, our own Apothecary where she and I continue to develop new potions or modify existing potions. She's always been brilliant and I knew that no matter what she did, she would be successful at it. _

_ I had wondered how she and I would adapt to each other, going from Professor and student to lovers, but it happened rather smoothly and she was attentive in the beginning, working tirelessly with me to create a potion that negated Nagini's venom. Between that and the cure to the Cruciatus, I became much like I was in my youthful days. I no longer use a cane, nor do I tire easily, have tremors…I do have the scar on my neck, but I am perfectly fine with that. It only took two years after coming here with her to ease my ailments, although I suspect this beautiful place and the love of this wonderful woman had much to do with it. I proposed to her and then we married just before her graduation. Perhaps there was a selfish part of me that wanted it to be known that she was Hermione Snape. The press had been there after all. Ironically, people here consider me a war hero, a recognition I didn't receive in my homeland. When they published about her, they mentioned our marriage, they referred to us both as war heroes. I can't help but smile because I know that word had gotten back to those we left behind. _

_ Hermione had had the foresight to set up a wizarding mailbox that worked similar to a muggle P.O. box and she made sure it was set outside of our property line. Our house was unplottable. It was brilliant. I don't have to watch owls come and go, invading our space and potentially dropping off the howlers that would undoubtably come. I often wonder if seeing the look on Minerva's face would be worth it…or those of her friends…former classmates…I probably look like mad out here, grinning like I am but yes…it would be worth the howlers to see their faces. _

_ I can the back door open before I feel her sit next to me. I can't help but scoot closer. I love being next to her, having her in my arms. I love looking down at my wife and watch as she feeds our one-month old son from her breast. I love when he smiles at me while feeding, spilling milk down his chin. He is truly adorable and fascinating to watch. I can't help but caress his chubby little cheeks as I often did with our daughter's. _

_ Looking up and seeing her, I can't help the swell of pride. She's a bright and curious girl, a beacon of light in my life like her mother, like her little brother. I had never imagined that I would be so lucky as to have the life that I have now. I imagine our daughter is going to be as academically gifted as Hermione and I were. For only being six years old, she's reading at a ten-year old's level. Watching her pretend to play potions with her little play beakers and juice so she can drink her potions. _

_ I hear my son making gurgling noises next to me and I can't help but look at him. It looks like he's taking a break from his lunch and now he's just staring at me…ha! I love when he smiles at me like that! Open mouth and all gums, haha. I've never smiled more in my entire life than I have while being with Hermione. Looking up at her, I still feel my breath catch every time I find her looking at me with adoration and love. _

"I love you, Severus," she whispered.

"As I love you, my dearest Hermione."

_ I am the luckiest man in the world. My life couldn't be any more perfect…although…maybe another addition to family a bit later wouldn't be amiss. I just know that whatever I do, I am going to make sure my wife and children always know that I am here and that I love them very much. My children will never wonder if they are loved and they will never love alone. _

_~Fin~_


End file.
